I came to the realization today that I am not happy. A lot of it is because my husband has chronic back pain, which causes him to be grouchy and over sensitive a lot of the time. The trouble is, it's hard for me to separate when he's in a bad mood because of his pain, and when he's in a bad mood because of something I did. Or, most likely if something I did that was mildly irritating becomes a much bigger deal because he's in pain.
And I have gotten in the habit of letting it slide-- like when someone has a cold, or is injured, you cut them some slack because it's only temporary. But this is no longer temporary, and that means I can't act like it is, because it's not working for me.
I am not sure how to deal with all of that. But I am thinking of things that I need, and have decided to make a commitment to take care of myself. Not to the exclusion of my husband, but just for myself.
1. If I get up first, I will take my turn in the bathroom, before anything else.
2. If I pour coffee for both of us, I will pour mine first, and take a sip before pouring my husband's.
3. I will take a little time in the morning, while he is waking up and drinking his first cup of coffee, to write, either on this blog, or on a story. That is my quest, the thing I passionately desire to do-- to write, and I haven't been doing much of it lately.
4. I will work on defining how I feel, and expressing it better.
5. I will find someone to talk to about this, who can help me communicate better.
I am sure there are other things. This seems like such a short list, but it seems huge to me. Small steps, for 1-3, and 4 and 5 terrify me, to be honest.
I know this isn't a God-centered post tonight, but I feel He's been trying to teach me something about this, so . . here it is.
And Jesus did say, 'love your neighbor as yourself', and I think I need to spend a little more time loving myself.
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