Presenting an excerpt.

So, yesterday I discovered that the story I submitted in a writing contest did not make it past the first round.  It was based on a 300 word 'Pitch'.  Marketing is not my strong point, and I didn't have time to rework my pitch or ask for help.  I am disappointed, but life moves on.

In the meantime I have started work on a new/old story.  It's lastest incarnation of a story I've been working on for years.  So, since I have been neglectful of my poor blog, I am going to post the first two pages of it:

The Knight Protector of Ramni

            Shaun woke with the sheet tangled around him.  He struggled from the bed, keeping himself from falling by bracing his arms against the walls.  He could touch both walls of his small sleeping chamber without stretching.

            He wasn’t sure if that was because of the room’s size, or because of his own height.   A bit of both, he decided as he shook the sheet from his ankle.  He’d been dreaming again. 

            Shaun tried desperately to block the dream from his mind, even as he tried just as desperately to remember every detail of it.  He made his bed while trying to decide which impulse to follow.

            When the sheet was smooth on his narrow bed, he ran a hand through his hair—or tried to.  It was long overdue for a cut and nearly as tangled as his sheets had been.  He worked his fingers free with an effort and grimaced.

            Was there any point in laying back down, he wondered.  But he did so, abruptly making up his mind to ponder his dream.  When he was prone, he closed his eyes and drew in a steadying breath.

            Shaun found his dreams . . . disturbing.  They weren’t exactly nightmares—at least, most of them weren’t—but they were so vivid that he often woke unable to tell dream from reality.

            This dream had been a single image of a tree.  He’d been sitting beneath it, Shaun remembered, listening to a gentle music, like the sound of wind chimes.  Remembering, he felt a wave of peace come over him.

            The sound of the pre-dawn bell chiming jerked him from his thoughts with a jolt that was almost painful. 

            Shaun sighed and rose from his bed.  It was time to milk the cow and gather eggs before morning meditation.  He took the faded brown robe from the hook by the door and dressed.  There were times when living at a monastery was inconvenient.

            On the other hand, he reflected as he made his way to the barn, nodding greetings to the sleepy-eyed Brothers he passed, he didn’t have to worry about his appearance.  Remembering, he forced his fingers through his hair in a vain attempt to work out the tangles.  It was hopeless.  He really should cut his hair.  Most of the Brothers had shaved heads, a sign of humility and their devotion to Lakthu. 

            Shaun didn’t consider himself a vain man, but he couldn’t stop the vague self-consciousness at the thought of cutting his hair.  He automatically tugged his hair down around his ears as he stepped outside.  Vanity aside, his head got cold.  The monastery that housed the Brothers of the Lady of Wisdom was high in the mountains to the north of Tillete.  Even though spring was well-advanced, the air here was still chilly, and mist puffed from his mouth as he walked.

            Shaun patted the cow as he passed her to fill her manger with hay.  He scratched the ears of her new calf before settling on the stool with the milk bucket.  He didn’t speak, but he whistled softly, and it seemed to relax her as he did his work.

            He passed the brimming milk pail off to another Brother, before leading the cow—he’d mentally dubbed her Daisy—out of her stall so he could clean it, and strew fresh straw.  Daisy walked out to the pasture, with her calf beside her.  She knew the routine as well as Shaun did.  She would spend the day nibbling grass and enjoying the sunshine.

            Shaun finished with her stall, and headed for the chicken coop, snagging the egg basket as he went.  The same Brother who’d taken the milk pail was scattering grain for the hens.  He smiled and nodded at Shaun before trotting off in the direction of the Prayer Room.

            Shaun gently shooed chickens aside as he opened the door of the coop and bent to gather eggs.  One would expect that a monastery would have a grand chapel for their devotions—or at least a large drafty one.  But the Brothers worshipped the Fate of Wisdom, and it was far more practical—and comfortable—to hold their ceremonies in the snug room in the main wing of the keep.    Why waste time erecting a whole knew building when there was already space for that purpose?  There was no wisdom there. 

            He could have done much worse than to be sent here, Shaun reflected.  It was a calm place, and most days he found the routine soothing.

            He made his way back to the keep—for the monastery had originally been a keep meant to defend Tillete against invasion from the north.  Eventually, they’d realized that there was no one to the north to invade, and the keep had been abandoned, until some long ago monk had found it and decided it was a perfect place for a monastery.

            Very little changed here from day to day.  The weeks were marked by market day, and the months by the changing of the seasons.  The Brother he passed as he entered the kitchen could easily have been a ghost from a hundred years ago . . . or a vision of a man who would be born a hundred years from now.   Shaun found comfort in that.

            But as he inhaled the smell of bread dough and very strong tea, he knew he did not belong here.  Soon he would have to leave this haven.  He expected the pang of regret he felt at the thought.  But he was surprised to feel a hint of anticipation, as well.

            ‘It is time’ he thought, and if he hadn’t been in a monastery full of monks who’d taken vows of silence, he would have said it aloud.  ‘Time to move on.’

            Shaun set down the egg basket and went to the Prayer Room.  Since he had not taken vows, he was not required to attend, but he went out of respect for the Brothers.

            He settled himself on a cushioned bench, and set his mind to meditation.  The Brothers did not chant or sing, but the Prayer Room filled with a soft humming.  Some of the Brothers drummed gently on the benched with their hands adding a rhythmic counterpoint.

            Soothed by the soft music, Shaun allowed his thoughts to drift.  When he’d first arrived, he’d tried frantically to stay busy, afraid of boredom, afraid of silence.  But gradually he’d come to realize that he was in a place of peace, and peace was not the same thing as silence.

            He looked up at the walls and ceiling of the Prayer Room.  The Brothers of years gone by had carved the stone, inscribing their sacred teachings there, so that all could read and ponder them.  It would have seemed a desecration in a more formal chapel, but here, it showed the Brothers’ devotion.

            Shaun thought then of his own two brothers, far away in Allis Lennin.  He pictured them in his mind; James, his sober exterior guarding his sensitive heart; Jason, with his thoughtful face that many mistook for weakness.  He had not seen them in four years now.  He tried to put his brothers out of his mind, but thoughts of them kept intruding.  It was a relief when the bell sounded, signaling the end of morning devotions. 

Changing Direction

Yeah, so .. .

It's been like a week and a half?  Two weeks?  Since my last post.  Once again I find it hard to have time to write.  sad sad . . .

But it's also because I think I am changing my perspective on things.  That first post of the year was very important, and something I really needed to do.

But I don't want to focus on the negatives, and the past and wallow in my fears, and that's what I feel I would be doing.  So I have no clue where I'll be going, blog-wise from here.

Sorry.

But I have decided to submit the story I wrote in November for the National Novel Writer's Month (NoNoWriMo) challenge in a contest I heard about.

I honestly doubt I have a chance at winning, but I feel like it's something I  need to do.  and action I can take to move me forward.  So, there it is. 

I still need to finish up the ending of the story, and then I'd appreciate if anyone would like to read it, to see if it makes sense and make suggestions and what-not.  It is a fantasy novel-- kind of like Lord of the Rings, except completely different-- so keep that in mind before volunteering.

Oh, and the due date for submissions is January 27th, so I don't have a huge amount of time.  but either way, I'd love to get some feedback, if anyone is interested.

Thanks!
Me.

First Post Follow Up

So someone sent me a message after reading my blog, offering her support and saying she was sorry it happened to me. 

And my thought after reading it was, “It’s over.  It’s done.  It’s the past, and I’m over it.”

I realize that that’s not entirely true.  In some ways, I’ll never be over it.  But I’m through being afraid to talk about it.  It won’t be easy, but I know I can do it now.  So that fear that I had is gone. 

The best way I can think to explain it is this:  I was born with a congenital heart defect.  When I was three years old I had open heart surgery to correct the defect.  There are some things—like the scar on my chest, or the increased chance that my child will have the same defect—that ARE related to the defect and surgery.  Other things, like a slight hearing problem or a discoloration on my tooth, MIGHT be caused by the defect.

The heart defect is corrected.  It’s gone, it’s in the past.  I still have to deal with the effects of it, though, known and possible.  But I don’t have to spend all my time wondering if this or that physical problem is because of it.  It doesn’t really matter, except possibly to doctors who study that sort of thing.

So I’m thinking of the assault in the same way.  It’s in the past and dealt with.  (Okay, it’s being dealt with.  I know there will still be times when something comes up and I think of it, and get scared.  But I’m getting past it.) 

I have things, like trust issues, that I know are because of being assaulted.  And there are other things, like having trouble expressing myself when I get angry, or maybe sabotaging myself when things are going well, that might be a result of being assaulted.

I don’t have to spend hours picking my brain and emotions apart wondering if this is because of that, or not.  There are things I’ll deal with that I’ll look at, and think, ‘Yeah, this is probably because of the assault’, but it doesn’t have to be a huge deal.

I went through a program called the Christian Women’s Job Corps in San Angelo, Texas.  They had a psychologist come talk to us about self esteem.  She said that you can actually choose how you feel.  And if you say, ‘I am happy,’ that’s how you will feel.  Because the act of saying it causes your brain to make it true.  So, because I say, ‘It’s over.  It’s done.’ I’m making that true.  I’m sure I’ll have relapses, but that’s just part of the process.

It is what it is, and I am who I am.  And as bad as it was (I still feel weird typing the word assault) I am stronger because of it.  And if I could go back and change things—well, I’m glad I don’t have the option of doing so, because I don’t know what I’d do.

But if it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be me.  And I like myself—or at least I’m learning to.

2013 First Post: Talking about it

            First of all, I’m not going into detail here about who or when or where it happened.  That’s really not the point.  The point is that I get a panicky feeling whenever I think about it, or imagine trying to talk about it.  So it this is rambling and doesn’t make the best sense, forgive, but I think I just have to pound it out and post it before I lose my nerve.

It happened years ago, in a place I should have felt safe, by a person who should have protected me.  I remember parts of it as clear as glass, and other parts are just a blur.  It was maybe fifteen minutes of my life, but it still affects me.

I was assaulted, and I guess you’d call it sexual assault, but it felt more like a control thing to me.  I remember struggling to get free, and pleading, begging him to let me go.  And I couldn’t get free, and he wouldn’t let me up.

Except then he did.  And I got up and I walked away, and I left, and somehow I shoved it into the back of my mind, and went on like nothing had happened.  I even interacted with him later, as if I still trusted him, but I knew it was all an act.

It never got to the point of rape, and it only happened once.  I know there are many people who have dealt with worse, much worse.  So I think I shouldn’t be bothered by it.  But I am.

The first time I talked about it was when a roommate in college said to me—we were playing cards, I remember that—and she just asked, in the most matter-of-fact voice, ‘Were you sexually abused?’

And I said, ‘Yes’.  Because it was just the way she said it, like asking if I liked mushrooms or something.

And she said, ‘I thought so.’ And then she said she had been, too.

That was pretty much all we said about it, but it brought it back into my mind again.

I started reading some books about it, and thinking things through.  I went through a self-destructive phase where I did some things that seem pretty stupid in retrospect.

I think I am pretty much over the physical fear part of it, thanks mostly to my husband.  I met him, and the very first time he hugged me, some part of me just gave a sigh, and said, ‘Safe’.  

But I know there are emotional things that are messed up in my head, and I know because I still get that panicky feeling.  And it seems sometimes like I can’t feel things that I should be able to.  I get in a situation, and I think, ‘I should really be angry right now,’ but inside I just feel cold.

There was that school shooting recently, and all the talk about how horrible it was.  But I didn’t have that reaction.  And then I thought, ‘To most people, school is a place where kids should be safe.  But really no place is ever completely safe.’ 

And I realized that I thought that way because I was made to feel afraid in my own home, a place where I had always felt safe.  And I never completely go that feeling back.  And if you aren’t safe in your own home, then there’s no where to be safe.

I used to sometimes find myself just thinking, ‘I want to go home,’ even when I was in my own bed in the place I lived.

And now I realize I wasn’t longing for a place, so much as that feeling of love and safety you get when you’re a little kid and your parents tuck you into bed and you know everything is going to be okay.

So now should be the part where I give some conclusion about how everything worked out for me and I’m fine.  But the truth is, I’m not fine, at least not entirely, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be.

But I want to get better.  I’m tired of being in the place I’m at.  And I’m doing something to change things.  So that’s a good thing.

Little bits and pieces, I am thinking, little bits and pieces.  And I’m wondering what I mean by that.   I guess it’s something about feeling broken, and trying to put it back together, like building a tower of Legos.  Or better yet, chocolate chip cookies.

And there is a little bit of humor, so now I’m thinking I’m going to be okay for today.

But I am still scared to post this.

But I will.

A New Year, a New Blog . . .

So, this year’s blog is dedicated to overcoming my fears.  It occurred to me recently that I feel afraid nearly all the time, and I don’t want to be afraid any more.  It’s holding me back. 

2 Timothy 1:7:  “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

Anyway, this is going to be tough to get through I think, but I’m going to take a crack at it.

Here goes . . .