A Year With God

I broke my habit of blogging every day.  Right now, I am too overwhelmed by other things in my life, and I lack the energy for it.

We have a plan in place, and hopefully--prayerfully--things will work out soon.  But I am taking a break, much as it pains me to say.

I still feel rather empty inside, but not in a despairing way now.  I just need to refuel my soul with joyful and positive things, and it seems that's going to take a little while longer.

Earlier this week, I was at the park on a beautiful sunny day, watching dogs run and play happily in the grass, and it felt like a chore to be there.

I'm thinking of that line from Psalm 123, 'He restoreth my soul'.  I need my soul restored, and some still waters to walk by.

And I know God will provide it for me.  He always does.  I just need time for it to soak in.

Thank you.

A Year With God, Day 134 of 366 (belated)

I have not posted much over the past week or so.  I have been feeling very depressed, worried, scared.But things are turning around, so I am starting to feel better.  A little time, a little peace, and a lot of prayer and I will feel like myself again.

Yesterday, the pastor at my church talked about how thinking affects what we do and who we are.  And after church, I went to lunch with my mother and sister.  Mom had some shrimp with pineapple on top.

As I was driving home afterwards, I thought, 'I would never order that shrimp dish.  I don't like pineaple.'

But I ate fresh pineapple once, and I did like it.  I might not care for canned pineapple, but I can't make a blanket statement that I don't like any pineapple.

So why do I still think I don't like it?  Habit.  I need to break the habit of reflexively thinking I don't like pineapple. And I need to break the habit of thinking poorly about myself, and focusing on the down side.

I need to set aside what happened in the past, and look forward, at what I can do, and not worry about what I can't do.

A Year With God, Day 133 of 366

I feel as though I've worn myself down to nothing, and there's nothing of me left any more.  I can't think of anything to say.

A Year With God, Day 130 of 366

I need all the prayer I can get today.  Please help.

Thank you.

A Year With God, Day 128 of 366

Sometimes, a day of rest is not very restful.  I had today off, but it seemed I spent the whole day running around.  I had to drop paperwork off at work, then take the dog to the park, then pick up a presciption and a few groceries.

Then I baked a cake and started dinner.  These were mostly things I wanted to do, but at the end of the night I found myself exhausted and close to tears.

This is why God specified the Sabbath as a day where no work should be done.  It's too easy to fill a day with tasks, and leave myself no time to simply relax and feel His presence.  And that is something I need--a little quiet time each day.  Or a lot of time, because I am easily distracted.

A Year With God, Day 127 of 366 (belated)

Today, I admitted something to myself out loud for the first time.  I don't like getting angry.  I never have.  And I realized that there have been a few times in my life when I have been so angry that I scared myself.

I have been in a few situations--like three or maybe five times total--when I've been so angry I literally couldn't stop myself, even though some part of my brain was still thinking, 'This is stupid. 
This could get me in very big trouble.'

And I never quite remember how I've gotten out of those situations.  Though it's always happened without anyone getting hurt.

But I work very hard to control myself now.  And it's not a conscious thing.  But now when I get angry, I choke on my words, and I can't make myself speak, and I can't even say how I feel.

I really try to argue better, but every thing I think of to say seems to be designed to hurt the other person, and I can't see that as constructive, so I end up not saying anything.

I think I need classes for arguing. 

I don't know if there are any verses in the Bible that address this.  I guess I'll have to look.

A Year With God, Day 126 of 366 (Belated)

I realized something interesting today.  I spent seven hours today with a lady who only opened her eyes for maybe a total of two minutes the entire time I was there.  And yet somehow, I still came away with a very clear impression of her personality.

We are who we are, even when we're asleep, even when we're sick, even when we're comatose or nearing the end of our lives.  A person's personality is still clear in her face, even if she can't or won't speak to anyone.

It was another of those very simple but very profound things.  I don't exactly know why it struck me as beign so important.  Perhaps because God's craftsmanship is so consistent, that we stay who we are, even when we're not aware of ourselves.

And I find that rather reassuring.

A Year With God, Day 125 of 366

I had a thought earlier today, and it was something about not appreciating what you have until it's gone.  but I can't recall right now exactly what prompted that thought.

Simple things like having a tissue to blow your nose, or a candy bar when you're really craving chocolate.  Or remembering a blog idea a few hours after you think of it.

I'm sure I had some profound point to make about it all, or at least a point that makes sensse,b tu I can't remember it now.

To paraphrase what a character in a Lois McMaster Bujold book said about his mother, God is like air.  You never notice it until it's gone.  And once it's gone, you need it back right away.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll wake up remembering what it was I meant to blog about.  And if I do, I'll post it.  And knowing my luck, it will be something silly.

A Year With GodDay 124 of 366

Today is my sister's birthday.

And it made me realize something.  I have four older sisters, and each is wonderful and wise in her own way.  I have been blessed with the family I have, and the sisters I grew up with.

Thank you Lord, for my family, even if they annoy me sometimes.

A Year With God, Day 123 of 366

There is a difficulty of living with somene with an anger problem.  Lately, I find myself reflexively snapping back, because I expect anger, even when he is not angry.

Pain and stress and depression is hurting my husband, and I don't like what it's doing to him.  But I have come to realize that it's doing things to me, too.  And I don't like what it's doing to me, either.

I am once again at the point where I don't know how we're going to pay bills, and I hate it.  I do my best to trust God to take care of me, but I just want to be out of this situation so badly.  I desperately want enough to money to pay bills and have enough left over to buy myself a new pair of cheap sneakers.

I don't think that's greedy.  And I am working as hard as I can to make it happen.  At least I think I am. 

I don't know what to do, and I don't know what to pray for.  So I just keep thinking, 'Help me, Lord, please.'  And then I have to trust him to do so.

A Year With God, Day 122 of 366 (belated)

This was a day when I could think of nothing to say.