A Year With God, Day 90 of 366--belated

There have been people in my life that affected me in a profound way.  And it hasn't always been people I've known for years--though there are many of them as well.  Sometimes, all it takes is one moment-- a shared glance, an understanding smile.  I don't think of these people every day, but when something reminds me of that moment, I remember them.

I think of the old lady on the bus once, who gave me a bookmark with a prayer on it.  Or the checker at the grocery store where my sister used to go.  My sister would always go through her line, no matter how long it was.  I think of the time I got so angry at a family get-together that I had to take a long walk, and my cousin's high school friend said he knew that feeling.

I think of the time my roommate had to go the emergency room.  I drove her car over, and while waiting, I hear a lady moaning and crying.  She was so scared, and thought she was all alone, so I went over and held her hand for a while.  She was so thrilled, she asked me if I was an angel.  There is something very moving, and uncomfortable about being mistaken for an angel. 

I think of that moment, not so much with pride, but with the realization that being an 'angel' can require so little effort and mean so much to someone.  Most of the moments I remember like this are about 'angels' who touched my life, but that one time I know I touched someone else's life.

The point of this being that you can show God's love in a moment.  Most times, we do this with a long relationship, but sometimes, it can happen in the blink of an eye.  A smile at the right time can change my outlook for the whole day, so why couldn't my smile do the same for someone else?

I need to watch for opportunities like that, if they can be watched for.  These things are important.



The

A Year With God, Day 89 of 366

Somewhere this week I missed a day on this blog.  I'm not sure how it happened. I thought I had written one every day.  Oh, well.

Today, I found myself wishing I could pass whatever blessings God has in store for me on to someone I loved.  I actually prayed for just that.

And then it occured to me-- maybe God's best blessing would be to bring that person home to be with him.  It is a blessing, when one is living in pain, and anxious about the future.

But I do not want the one I love to leave me just yet.  I guess I am still too human for that. 

I guess instead I should pray for God to give my loved one all the blessing He could wish to bestow on that person, healing and health and joy . . .  Yes, that's a much better prayer.

A Year With God, Day 87 of 366

This weekend I had the priviledge of sharing the last few hours of someone's life.  He was a sweet, kind older man, and in the space of three days I grew to be very fond of him.

I realized again (because I already knew it without really thinking about it) that there is family, and there are relatives, and the two don't always overlap.

I also came to the conclusion that if you have even one person who cares about you when you go, then that is enough.  There doesn't have to be a crowd for there to be love.

And I learned that sometimes the smallest simple gesture is enough to touch someone's heart and make them feel loved and comforted.

It was three days that felt like a week or a month, but I am glad I got the chance to be there.

A Year With God, Day 86 of 366

All of the faucets in my apartment leak.  It's annoying, because I hear the drip . . . drip . . . drip and it distracts me from what I'm doing.  I am always going around trying to turn the knobs tighter to stop it.

It occurred to me that God's love and blessings are like a leaky faucet.  No matter how hard we try to turn it off, a little always leaks through and drips into our lives.  But if we turn the knobs the other way, we'd be drowning in blessings.

Every good and perfect thing is from God, one verse says.  And God wants to give us all the good things he can.  We just have to ask.

A Year With God, Day 85 of 366

I did not realize how tired I was until I got home tonight, and sat down to relax. 

I guess that's what home is-- the place where it's safe to be tired or sick or weak.  Home is the safe haven where we are protected from the world.

And God should be our home.

A Year With God, Day 84 of 366 (belated)

The worst thing a person can do is stop caring.

Jesus said the greatest commandment was to love God, and the second greatest was to love others. 
So if we stop caring, then we break both.

A Year With God, Day 83 of 366

Some people are never satisfied with their life.  Me, I tend to be complacent, and I never want to push my luck by trying to succeed too much.  I am content to just get by.

But that's not necessarily a good thing.  God put me here to be me, and to be me as best as I am able.  Ambition and the drive to succeed are not sins--at least not in and of themselves. 

I think of the Apostle Paul.  He was zealous in everything he did.  And he truly had a heart for God.  He believed at first that Christianity was wrong, and he went after the early church with every resource he could.  And then, when God showed him the error of his ways, he did an about-face and was just as zealous in spreading the gospel--if not more so.

Fighting complacency is a daily battle, and it's a fight I often fail at.  But putting it in writing here is a reminder to myself that it is okay to want more.  I just need to rely on God to show me which more I need to strive for.

A Year With God, Day 82 of 366

Tonight I watched a horror movie with my husband.  It was a weird movie, which involved a group of hikers getting lost, going crazy and killing each other and themselves.

In the end, the movie just kind of  . . . stopped.  There was no clear resolution, no explanation of why they went crazy, there was no point to it.

It made me think of Ecclesiastes 1:2  "Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher.  "Utterly meaningless.  Everything is meaningless!"

But my faith in God tells me that it is NOT meaningless.  Unlike the movie, in the end I know there will be an explanation of why.  There will be a clear ending, and a resolution to my life.

That is the difference between that movie, and a life with God.

And personally, I'd rather believe than not.

A Year With God, Day 81 of 366

Life is unexpected.  Who would have thought that there would be 6 inches of snow on March 21st, in Oregon?  Certainly not me.

I woke this morning relieved, thinking, 'I'm glad I don't have to work today.'  Half an hour later I got the call that I was needed.

Did I want to leave my nice warm apartment to scrape snow off my car and make my way across town at the speed of an old beat up snow-plow?  Not really.  But someone needed my help, and so I went.

And I don't regret it.

I suppose that might be how Jesus felt, having to leave the comfort of heaven to go out into the cold uncomfortable world of humans.  But He did it, because we needed Him.  We still need Him.

So now that I am home again, and ready to take a nice hot shower and climb into my warm comfortable bed, I am glad I went out today, because I was able to help someone who needed it..  And I hope Jesus feels the same way about me.

A Year With God, Day 80 of 366

People impact our lives in unexpected ways.  There was a man I knew growing up, a farmer--or possibly a rancher.   I never held a conversation with him.  I'm not sure I ever heard him speak at all.

But he played an important part in my growing up.

My recollections of him are mainly of a white-haired man driving a tractor through a hayfield, or an old beat up truck down a rural country road.

He always knew the right time to cut the grass to make hay.  He always seemed to miss the rain that messed up other farmers' hay.  He drove the speed limit.  The only time I ever saw him dressed up was at my father's funeral.  He wore a white dress shirt, and looked very uncomfortable.  But I remember that, because it showed the respect he had for my father.  And I know my father had at least that much respect for him.

As long as I can remember, I thought of him as Mr. Toppings, sir.  I'd bet he thought no one noticed his quiet life, and that he didn't have much of an impact on the world around him.

But he had an impact on me.  When I think of Mr. Toppings, sir, I think of hard work, and a simple life that is more satisfying than city living and office work and high heeled shoes.

When I think of how the life of a Godly man should look, I think of Mr. Toppings, sir.

A Year With God, Day 79 of 366

In a story I am working on, one of the characters wrote a short story, and then was worried, because it revealed about her.  Another character pointed out that every story reveals part of the author's soul.

And I thought, we are careless with our souls.  At least I am.  I put all this out on the internet, where anyone can read it.  And this blog is full of my most private thoughts.

But then I thought of that song, 'This little light of mine, I'm gonna to let it shine.  Hide it under a bushel? No!, I'm gonna let it shine."  And it occured to me that God wants us to show our souls.  Which makes sense, because that's how we show God to others, by our souls.  Ando ur sould should shine like candles.

It's easy to let these things show when you're not thinking about it.  But to deliberately put a piece of my soul out where others can see it, well now, that's a scary thing to do.  But I think it gets easier with practice.

A Year With God, Day 78 of 366

I talked before about the verse that says, 'A voice said to me, "Cry out."  and I said, "What shall I cry?"'  (paraphrased.  I'll double check it and put in the address later).

The thing that struck me this morning is that it doesn't say, 'When shall I cry it?'  or 'Who shall I cry to?'.

I am still working to overcome my tendency to procrastinate.  I am not a 'leave your nets and follow me' kind of person.  I wish I were, but I like a bit more notice.

And yet I feel that I'm not being true to the call I feel.  I'm not sure where the resistance is coming from, but I am tryinig to overcome it.

Of course I need God's help to do so.

A Year With God, Day 77 of 366

When I am feeling anxious and alone, I sometimes find myself longing for home.  Even if I am already at the place I live, it can happen.

To me, home is more of a feeling of safety and warmth than a physical location.  The very first time I hugged my husband, I had that feeling of 'home', though I didn't recognize it until later. 

My relationship with God should feel like that-- like a never-ending hug from the person I love best in the world, or like snuggling under the covers in the most comfortable bed I've ever slept in.

Safety, love, warmth . . that's what communion with God should feel like.

A Year With God, Day 76 of 366

The weather has been odd around here lately-- warm and sunny one day, snowing the next, and the day after that, rainy.  It put me in mind of that passage from Ecclesiastes, the one that the Beatles made a song out of. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.

Without rain, plants would wither.  Without sun, those same plants would rot.  Winter gives things time to go dormand and rest.  I need to spend time working, and I need to spend time resting.  I need to spend time with my family, and I need to spend time alone.  I need to spend time with God, and I need to spend time with friends.

And each day is unique.  No two days are exactly alike, and I am glad of it.  It would be so boring if every day was the same as the last.  I get tired of drinking the same flavor of creamer in my coffee in the morning.  I'd hate to spend all my time at only one pursuit.

I think perhaps my life is out of balance.  I am not spending enough time doing certain things I want to do, and because of that I put off doing other things that I have to do, because I resent not spending the time on what I want to do.  For example, I honestly want to spend more time writing.  But other things keep distracting me, so I haven't been putting the time into it.  And then I resent having to cook dinner and vacuum and do laundry, because I feel like I have to do them, and I resent that feeling. 

But I have long known that I dislike doing anything that feels like a 'have to' duty, even things I enjoy most times.  I try to schedule the things I want to do, but I don't like feeling like all my time is regulated.

Not exactly logical, but there it is.  So I guess the solution is to schedule my time so I use it wisely, but allow time for just . . . whatever.

A Year With God, Day 75 of 366

This morning, on my way home from work, I saw a rainbow.  It lifted my spirit, and reminded me of God's pormises. 

God sent a rainbow after the great flood, as a promise that he would never again destroy all life on earth.  But more than that, to me a rainbow symbolizes all the promises God has made me-- to provide for me, to care for me, to protect me, to never leave me, to be my help and my stronghold and my firm foundation.

A Year With God, Day 74 of 366

Near my home, there is a pretty busy intersection.  One road is divided, with two lanes on one side, and four lanes on the other side--two going straight and two turn lanes.  In the middle is a special lane just for the city bus route. The other road has a total of three lanes.

It's difficult to describe, but the turn lanes can be confusing with the separated road.  So they're marked out with white lines painted on the pavement.  But when going straight on one road, the lines marking the left turns on the other road cross each other, so it looks like the outside lane disappears.  I don't quite know how to put it into words, but it's an optical illusion, and it can lead drivers astray.  I was almost hit by another car because of it.

It struck me, though, that God's word is never like that.  There are some things that I don't understand, but the Bible is pretty straightforward.  God does not deliberately try to lead us into trouble.  Love God, and Love each other.  That's what it all boils down to.

A Year With God, Day 73 of 366

So, what has today shown me?

Expect the unexpected. 

Life is full of twists and turns, and I never know what's going to happen when I get up in the morning.  Lately, it seems more bad surprises than good, but not all.

My work shift today was cancelled.  But on the other hand, this gives my hand more time to heal.  And I got a letter yesterday notifying me that I won a gift card to a local store.

I also learned there's little to make me feel better than coming home to a happy greeting from my pets and my husband.

And I appreciate the nice soft bed I have to sleep in, and the coffee that I drink in the morning, and a hundred other little things in life.

Thank you Lord for all of that.

A Year With God, Day 72 of 366

I am tired.  Today was a long day with 12 hours at work.  I can hardly keep my eyes open, and yet I feel good.

People were meant to work, not just sit around doing nothing. 

I know I will sleep well tonight.

That's pretty much all I have to say for now.

A Year With God, Day 71 of 366

Today, my pastor mentioned Ephesians 2:8:  "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--"

And he said that when it says 'this not from yourselves' it refers to faith.  I had always thought it meant that being saved was the gift of God.

But the pastor said that all we have to do to be saved is have faith, and that even faith comes from God.  It's a different perspective on that verse, and somehow, it was just what I needed to hear today.

He also said that when it comes to a relationship with God, our part is to obey, and God's part is to provide us with everything we need for that loving relatinship.

So, it's kind of an answer to the question I asked yesterday.  And what a releif to put it all in God's hands.  Right now I don't feel like I handle much of anything, so it's nice to think that God will take care of it all for me.

A Year With God, Day 70 of 366

So . . where is the line between trusting God, and putting one's head in the sand?

Where is the line between beng content with what one has, and living up to one's potential?  Or the line between being confident enough to have high goals, and being greedy?

Where is the line between standing up for one's self, and starting to abuse others?

I don't know the answer to these questions, or not fully anyway.  I suppose the start to the first question is to pray and actively seek the opportunities that God provides.

The second question is harder.  I am not sure how good I am at anything, and others tell me I am capable of much more, and I'm not sure I really am.  I don't think that I am greedy, but I want more than I have.  I suppose for this I need to just decide what I want to do, and actively pursue it, with prayer, of course.

The last question is maybe the hardest.  I am not good at standing up for myself.  I am more likely to retreat than attack.  I am trying to be more assertive, but sometimes I go too far.  Maybe because I have to be angry before I say anything.  And I tend to not be able to put my emotions into words, even afterwards, when I'm calm again.  I guess I need to define how I feel, and go from there.  I need to learn to admit my emotions after I define them.

Which is a scary thing to contemplate.  It's true. Admitting my emotions out loud terrifies me.  I wonder why that is?

A Year With God, Day 69 of 366

Tonight as I was preparing for bed, it occured to me that prayer should be like brushing my teeth.  It's something I should do every day--at least once--to prevent decay.

Think of all the preventative things we do . . . we brush our teeth, we take our cars in for regularly scheduled oil changes.  We visit our doctors for a yearly check up (okay, some of us do).  We take vitamins, we excercise.

We do all these things in the hope of living a longer happier life, or to drive our car for longer.

Shouldn't we put the same effort into maintaining our spiritual life, as well?  Reading the Bible, Prayer, attending church services . . . all these things will help us live longer happier spiritual lives.

Don't our souls deserve the same care we offer our bodies?

A Year With God, Day 68 of 366

Sometimes, the people who love us get angry with us.  And they get the angriest when we do something that hurts ourselves.

Today, I cut my hand, and waited until my husband got off work to go to the doctor.  He was angry with me, partly  because I did something stupid and cut myself, but even more because I waited, when it could have made my injury worse, because he didn't want to be without me.

It makes me wonder how God feels, looking down at me.  He sees every stupid self-destructive thing I do, even the ones my husband knows nothing about. 

So tonight, I'm praying that God will keep me from stupid accidents, and from other more harmful things I tend to do.  For my sake, and my husband's sake, because he likes having me around.

A Year With God, Day 67 of 366

2 Timothy 1:7

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

It occurred to me today that I spend a lot of time feeling afraid.  I fear financial loss.  I fear failure.  I fear that I will disappoint and disgust my loved ones.  Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't really know why.

But as I thought this, a fragment of 2 Timothy 1:7 came into my head, 'For I did not give you a spirit of fear .. . . '  So I look up the verse. 

God has given me a spirit of power.  That means that I can overcome my fears, with God's help.  God has given me a spirit of love-- God's love, and my love for Him, and those around me.  What better motivation to overcome fear than love?  And finally, God gives me a spirit of self-discipline, which is what it takes to keep trying, even when I 'know' I won't succeed. 

Self-discipline to write this blog, even when I am tired and can't think of a good topic, and I just don't feel like it. 

Self-discipline to tell myself that I can and will succeed, and to make myself believe it.

There is power in words.  If I look myself in the mirror, and say, 'Susan, you can do this!' then I start to feel like I can do it.  And if I write out a list of things to do, that gives me tangible goals to work toward.

I have spent a lot of time being afraid.  I don't want to feel afraid any more.  I want to feel power and love and self-discipline.

And I will, because I choose to do so.

A Year With God, Day 66 of 366

And so today, I find myself once again in the midst of uncertainty.  I deeply dislike uncertainty.  I like schedules and routines, and I tend to be complacent.

Being uncertain about things in my life causes me to worry and stew, and yet here I am again.  Yet somehow, I think I wouldn't mind so much if it were only my life being affected, but I am married.  I have a family now-- a small family, but still, I worry twice as much about how these things will affect my husband.

And so I will make a plan, and follow it.  I will not procrastinate, as I am sometimes in the habit of doing.

And I will pray and I will trust God to provide for me and my small family.  Or I will do my best to do so.  After all, I am only human.

A Year With God, Day 65 of 366

Psalm 150:6

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord.

What struck me about this verse is that it repeats, 'Praise the Lord.'.  I wonder, do I spend enough time praising the Lord?

I should praise God every morning that I wake up, and the sun is shining, or rain is falling.  I should praise God every time my husband comes home from work, because he is working, and he is coming home to me.

I should praise the Lord for pets who snuggle up next to me when I am home alone.  I should praise God for the food in my fridge and the clean clothes in my closet, and the soap and shampoo on the shelf in my shower.

I think I do appreciate the small things I have in my life, but tonight I feel like I need to do more praising.

Praise the Lord.  Praise the Lord.

A Year With God, Day 64 of 366

Today, during church, I looked down at my hand and saw a mark on the palm of my right hand. 

About ten years ago, I sharpened a pencil to a very sharp point.  I was admiring how perfect the point was on that pencil and it flipped out of my fingers, and landed point-down in my palm.  I pulled the pencil out, but the lead broke off in my skin.  I dug it out, but I still have a very small blue-ish grey mark where the pencil landed.

It made me think today about how people will know about my faith.  It's not as easy as getting a tattoo or growing my hair long like the Levites used to do.  (I think it was the Levites).  A physical reminder might be a very good thing to help me remember what I need to be doing.  But unless I back it up with my actions, the physical sign is useless.  Like a WWJD bumper sticker on the back of a speeding car diving in and out of traffic and almost causing an accident.

So, what's inside is what's important, not what's visible to the casual observer.

Interestingly enough though, the pencil incident occured at my church.  Something for me to ponder, I suppose.

A Year With God, Day 63 of 366

I was standing over the stove, cooking up some meat to make a late-night dinner tonight, and I suddenly thought of the story in John 21.  Jesus was crucified, and has risen, and some of the disciples go out fishing, because they don't know what else to do.  When they come back to shore, Jesus is waiting with a fire burning, and fish cooking.

And I thought to myself that my relationship with God should be like my relationship with food.  I know I have to eat in order to stay alive.  But I don't sit down to a steak dinner and think, 'Oh, man I have to eat this.'  No, I eat because I enjoy it.

That's how we should feel about spending time with God.  It's something to savor like a good meal.  It should stay with us like a satisfying meal, giving us the energy to get through our day.  It should have many flavors, sweet like joy, spicy like faith, and sometimes sour  like guilt.  It should be something that we finish and think, 'Oh, that was a great meal!' and in the back of our minds, we're thinking, 'Hmm . . what should I have for dinner tomorrow night?'

Church should feel like sitting down to a meal with family--a time of contentment and fellowship, and occasionally conflict.  But we should be able to work out our differences, at least enough to enjoy the feast before us.

A Year With God, Day 62 of 366

Genesis 48:11

Israel said to Joseph, "I never expected to see your face again, and now God has allowed me to see your children, too."

It's funny sometimes how God's blessings work.  Israel never thought he'd see his son Joseph again, and not only did God reunite them, but Israel was also able to meet his two grandsons, as well.

Sometimes, when I ask for blessings, I ask for small things.  But God is able to do everything I could dream of, and muchmore than I could expect.

I just don't feel worthy of the blessing.  I need to trust God to give me what I need, even more than I could ever think of asking for.

A Year With God, Day 61 of 366

Isaiah 33:2

O, Lord, be gracious to us:

we long for you.

Be our strength every morning,

our salvation in time of distress.

Here is another verse that doesn't really need embellishment.  I need God and his graciousness.  I need him to be my strength and my salvation in time of distress.

Thank you, Lord, for always listening to me.

Amen.