A Year With God, Day 11 of 366

So, I had it in mind to talk about gratitude today.  I have come to conclusion that I am not very good at expressing my gratitude.

But how do I thank someone for helping me out?  I lately feel like I am indebted to the entire world, and it's overwhelming to even try to think of thanking everyone who has helped me.

And right now I am having a hard time thinking about it.  I have a headache, I don't feel well, and I am havig to ask for help again . . . from people who have already helped me more than I ever expected.

How do I deal with this?  It makes me sick to have to ask again.  (perhaps literally, though that is most likely a coincidence).  I suppose it's my pride that gets in the way of joyfully accepting the gifts my family and friends have provided me.

But I hate the thought of being a burden.  I know what it is like to put something off that I need because the money has to go elsewhere first.  And now I might be asking others to do exactly that, on my behalf.

I protest that I am trying to find work, so I don't have to ask again.  I say how awful I feel for asking.  I vow every time that this is the last time I will do this.  And yet I somehow seem stuck in the same abyss of neediness.

I know Paul said something about this in one of his letters, but I don't remember which one.  A poor church had sent him generous gifts, when other more prosperous churches had not.  And he knew it to be a hardship for that church, and yet he asked them to send again, for that would be their glory in heaven.  At least, I think that's how it went.

But I am not Paul.  My days are not spent preaching and converting others to Christ.  I am concerned with more mundane tasks, like food on the table, and paying the rent.  Who am I to ask for help?  And who am I to promise rewards in heaven?

I know this must be my lesson in humility from God, but I would dearly love to move on to the lesson that concerns abundant gifts and prosperity.

I spoke a while back about hope.  And Sunday in church, we read Romans 5:3-5, which says to paraphrase-- we should rejoice in suffering, because suffering leads to perserverance, which leads to character, which in turn leads to hope.  We have to suffer to have hope?  That's an odd concept.

But I suppose if we never suffered, we'd have no reason to need hope.

I ended my thoughts on hope with a high note, but the truth is, I'm still muddling through one day at a time, and it doesn't get any easier.